WHY???? This is the question I continually ask myself everyday. I'm tormented by this question. This one word has so much power and so much meaning. It takes almost every emotion I am feeling and bottles it into this 1 syllable, 3 letter noun. However, I am not agitated because I consistently ask this question. I am irritated because this question does not have an answer. There is nothing you or any1 could tell me to adequately free me from this bond the word 'why' has on me. I could go on all day with questions that remained unanswered. I could shed a tear for every time a thought crossed my mind about these questions, but then I'd probably live in a river. All I know is I'm so tired! All these years go by so fast, but the feelings and questions remain the same.
Why am I so damn emotional?! My emotions run my life! I tend to make almost every decision in life based on how I feel. I could relate this to all aspects of my life, but I'm going to keep this strictly in regards to relationships. To put it in plain terms, all my relationships fail. That is pretty much the sum and difference of relationship life for me. Probably the reason why I haven't been in a relationship for 4 years. I'm too fucking emotional! I guess it starts off with me having high expectations for a significant other. When some1 finally meets these expectations and I take a chance with them, I tend to put my all into our connection. I foolishly lay my heart on the line hoping that they would do the same. My idea is that if I put all my emotions on the table and they do the same, then we both have something to lose if we fail. However, as should be expected, when we fail, I am the only one who loses something. I am the only 1 that cries at night. I'm the only one thinking about our good times. I am the only one truly hurt. And just like always, all of you that hurt me come back into my life again. I try to forgive you for hurting me in the past and because my feelings for you are still there, I let you in my heart again. The cycle then continues with my stupid ass emotions getting stronger and then they all do the same thing! Disappear and hurt me again. Then I torment myself thinking about you and all the 'what if's' of if we were still together.
I wish there was a way for me to block my feelings, but then I would lose an important part of myself :( Its amazing that males can have such a great affect on the lives of women and not even care about it. I guess I just have to count myself as another victim of foolish love, twice! SMH...ok time to cry now....BYE
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