I'm In Love...

The idea of love is that one day you find the person you are meant to be with and you two fall in love, get married and start a family. Did it ever occur to the people who popularized this type of love that 98% of the world would be less fortunate to find it. Most of us can never fathom love, or we replace it with so many other things that its true meaning and feelings are thrown out the window and ran over by 3 buses and an 18 wheeler. I always thought that when I fell in love with someone that I would never let them go. I would keep them in my heart forever and never replace them with another. I was wrong. I can honestly say that I have been in love 3 times and only once was the caliber of love I felt reciprocated back to me. I told myself that I would never fall in love again unless I knew I was loved back. The problem with that is the heart is incapable of being controlled. I told a friend the other day that there is no strategy to love. The heart will do whatever it wants and we are powerless to stop it. The title of my blog page is not there as a joke, or as matter of comedy. It is a sad reality I live everyday. Everyday my heart breaks to find that those I love hurt me without second thought. Everyday my heart breaks because its counterpart is still hidden in the world somewhere waiting to be found. Everyday it breaks when it realizes that the one it loves belongs to someone else and everyday it breaks because it can not control itself otherwise. Someone asked me last week if I was in love, I lied and said no. I didn't realize then that I was in love with myself and my inner being. I am in love with the idea of finding someone who will love me unconditionally. My heart breaks to see people who so clearly love each other afraid to commit for fear of missing out on something. At the end of the day, I have come to realize that I am in love with the world and all of its inhabitants. For that my open heart is easily broken. I don't know if my counterpart is here or even on his way. I don't know if every decision I make is taking me further away from him. All I know is that I Am Unconditionally in LOVE with....YOU!

Stupid Emotions

WHY???? This is the question I continually ask myself everyday. I'm tormented by this question. This one word has so much power and so much meaning. It takes almost every emotion I am feeling and bottles it into this 1 syllable, 3 letter noun. However, I am not agitated because I consistently ask this question. I am irritated because this question does not have an answer. There is nothing you or any1 could tell me to adequately free me from this bond the word 'why' has on me. I could go on all day with questions that remained unanswered. I could shed a tear for every time a thought crossed my mind about these questions, but then I'd probably live in a river. All I know is I'm so tired! All these years go by so fast, but the feelings and questions remain the same.

Why am I so damn emotional?! My emotions run my life! I tend to make almost every decision in life based on how I feel. I could relate this to all aspects of my life, but I'm going to keep this strictly in regards to relationships. To put it in plain terms, all my relationships fail. That is pretty much the sum and difference of relationship life for me. Probably the reason why I haven't been in a relationship for 4 years. I'm too fucking emotional! I guess it starts off with me having high expectations for a significant other. When some1 finally meets these expectations and I take a chance with them, I tend to put my all into our connection. I foolishly lay my heart on the line hoping that they would do the same. My idea is that if I put all my emotions on the table and they do the same, then we both have something to lose if we fail. However, as should be expected, when we fail, I am the only one who loses something. I am the only 1 that cries at night. I'm the only one thinking about our good times. I am the only one truly hurt. And just like always, all of you that hurt me come back into my life again. I try to forgive you for hurting me in the past and because my feelings for you are still there, I let you in my heart again. The cycle then continues with my stupid ass emotions getting stronger and then they all do the same thing! Disappear and hurt me again. Then I torment myself thinking about you and all the 'what if's' of if we were still together.

I wish there was a way for me to block my feelings, but then I would lose an important part of myself :( Its amazing that males can have such a great affect on the lives of women and not even care about it. I guess I just have to count myself as another victim of foolish love, twice! SMH...ok time to cry now....BYE