Relieving the Pain...

This semester has been one of the hardest phases of my life. I never thought i could get as low as i was a month ago. I have not had the most wonderful childhood. A red carpet was and is not laid out for me. I have had to fight for everything that i have including my family. However, I thought that as i got older everything would get easier. But despite my greatest hopes, nothing is ever easy, at least not for me. I had this great plan that living on my own was going to be the most wonderful experience ever. It has been good to a certain extent, but lately it seems like im falling into a deeper and deeper dark hole that only has 2 ways of escape. 1 to end it all, 2 to just wait until its too late and accept the pain as life. Sometimes it seems so much easier to just go with option 1. However, though it may seem like the 1st option is the coolest, its also the most selfish and pointless. Therefore leaving me with option 2 to just wait and stick it out.

As time progressed, things went from blissful to a nearly complete demise. With school consistently adding on weight and the bills that seem to never end, life seemed pointless to live. Emotional pain is so much more stronger than physical pain. Emotional pain can take a lifetime to go away. After tired of feeling the emotions of a failure, I thought physical pain would be easier to deal with. Taking a knife to my wrist, I attempted to transfer all my anger and frustration into something that was tangible and for just a split moment, I could focus on patching up my physical wounds and leave my catastrophe of emotions by the wayside. However, after it was all said and done, the scars I now carry constantly remind me of my lowest time. It was not until I sat and took a really deep look inside that i saw the true me. The person that i had lost through all the heartache. Who had i become? and how do i get the woman that i once knew back?

I have always been a strong believer in God. I have always looked to Him for guidance and strength. However, for some reason at this point in my life, I found it hard to talk to my Father. I found it hard to even accept the fact that he still loved me despite all my problems and issues. I found it hard to understand that in His time He would make a way through my troubles. But through all my failure and psychotic episodes, He never left me. He never forsake me. He was always there with open arms to welcome me back into His presence. He reminded me of the person that I was. He showed me who i had become and He also explained to me why He did not come when I called. Now I understand the true meaning of faith. It goes far beyond just knowing that God exists. It starts from within one's heart and the fire burning in my heart had died from all the pain i harbored.
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For those reading this that have no idea what I'm talking about, I pray that one day you will be able to experience a relationship with God as i have. I pray that He will reveal Himself to you as He has to me on so many occasions. It is only because of Him that I am who I am today. It is only because of Him that i can look at my circumstance and still smile. I smile because i know that weeping may endure for many nights, but joy comes every morning that I wake up in my right mind. Every morning that I wake up to a new and beautiful day, I must smile and thank God.

Life is NEVER what we expect it to be. We can have the most sculpted plan of action for any situation, but something always happens to test us. I have learned that no matter how depressed I feel or how hopeless, my problems will still be there. And because of that I need to take action and not waste time. Time is the 1 thing that we can NEVER get back, so we must not waste it on foolishness. As my debt keeps growing and issues keep arising, I look to the sky. When i feel there is no way, and my path seems pitch black, some how somewhere a light appears to guide me home.

Time to Say Good-Bye

As I walk on this journey with you, I realize that I wasn't walking with you all along, but i was following you. I've been chasing this false image of friendship, lost in this figment of my imagination that you actually cared about me. As I evaluate this time that we've spent full of madness, I understand now that I am the flower and you are the bee. My beautiful being so much for your eyes to see, yet you use me. Sucking me dry for my precious pollen to build up the home of your ego.Yet I stay true and available so that when your need me I'm there to follow, so you can use and abuse the priviledge that I've given you to taste the sweet nectar of my spirit, but I stay true. But you get what you want then fly back to the queen, because in her presence you feel serene. She nurishes your being inside and out she is the mirror to your soul without a doubt. And I stand here suspended, left alone with my thoughts, remembering the softness of your touch. But then reality takes over and I remember that it's not you that I crave, but its the feeling of security. The warmth of knowing that deep down inside I'm desirable. Then I conceptualize and realize that this is about me, you were merely a token of affection on my totem pole. Thinking all this time that you needed me, but then i realized that i needed you. I needed you to make me smile. I needed you to feel sexy. I needed you to feel safe. I overdosed on the little affection you gave me and allowed myself to be trapped in your lies and deceit. However, as my relationship with my Father above grows stronger and stronger, He reminds me that you were never what I needed. You were a phase and you helped me grow and I thank you. Now that your out of my life, I see clearly and though I thought I would miss you, I dont. Instead I pity you, for never learning the lesson that I tried to teach you, but I guess that really wasnt my place. So now that we take our separate paths, we can remember, and forget the past we leave behind. We can move on and grow some more...separately and eternally connected. I wish you the best of luck in your life.

Peace, Love, and Happiness,
Veronica